Tuesday, November 20, 2012

2012 is the worst year yet

I'm trying hard to disconnect myself from everyone. I've decided that I need time to re-evaluate my friendships with certain people. This storm of emotion has just hit me all at once. There was no warning. Not the slightest hint. Oh well. I have to be prepared for things of this nature, because I know that this is definitely not the last time something like this is going to happen. I've realised that, as cliche as it may be, I've finally become a victim of the whole "discovering that the people you care about the most don't give a crap about you". What a classic sob story.

I'm surprised that something as seemingly petty as this is affecting me so much. If the rational me were in my place at present, I'd probably just flick my hair and walk away while laughing at myself, with pity. Unfortunately, the rational side of me left a long, long time ago, and left this pathetic version of what I'm ashamed to call myself.

I need time away from the people I see the most. As it turns out, I've been investing my time in the wrong people. Was it really a waste of time? Who knows. All I know is that I'm starting to realise why fate perhaps didn't want me going down this road. Now I really know what happens when you try to fix chance. I should have seen it.

From the beginning, all signs pointed to no.

My life wasn't ideal last year. It never was ideal. It will never be ideal. Perfection has never been a word I've been close to describing anything in my life. Well, besides my high school maths tests, and last year's chemistry exams, but that's totally irrelevant. Who cares about academics when there are always going to be underlying problems in your life?

It makes me wonder if everything is truly worth it.

This is only the first year away from my planned "fate". I honestly think that dentistry was probably better suited to me, simply because I don't think any of these mishappenings would have happened if I had stayed. Too late now. I don't know what to do anymore. As always, my present problems always take root in the past and relate to some unresolved issue I have. It makes me think whether I should target those underlying things, but then I always realise that there's nothing I can do about it because.. it's complicated. The resolution to a root problem always becomes another problem further down the track. It always affects other people, which is the worst part of it all. If I were the only victim of my problems, I wouldn't care. I wouldn't think twice before doing anything, but it's not the case.

It's a shame that I have to be pretty non-specific with my problems. Revealing personal stuff like this has never been my strong point, but so far it has protected me in more ways than not. So.. I'm pretty inclined for it to remain that way.

TL;DR: I feel like I've made the wrong friends. I feel like I've made the wrong career path. I'm helpless because I have no control over either factor.

No comments:

Post a Comment