Tuesday, November 20, 2012

2012 is the worst year yet

I'm trying hard to disconnect myself from everyone. I've decided that I need time to re-evaluate my friendships with certain people. This storm of emotion has just hit me all at once. There was no warning. Not the slightest hint. Oh well. I have to be prepared for things of this nature, because I know that this is definitely not the last time something like this is going to happen. I've realised that, as cliche as it may be, I've finally become a victim of the whole "discovering that the people you care about the most don't give a crap about you". What a classic sob story.

I'm surprised that something as seemingly petty as this is affecting me so much. If the rational me were in my place at present, I'd probably just flick my hair and walk away while laughing at myself, with pity. Unfortunately, the rational side of me left a long, long time ago, and left this pathetic version of what I'm ashamed to call myself.

I need time away from the people I see the most. As it turns out, I've been investing my time in the wrong people. Was it really a waste of time? Who knows. All I know is that I'm starting to realise why fate perhaps didn't want me going down this road. Now I really know what happens when you try to fix chance. I should have seen it.

From the beginning, all signs pointed to no.

My life wasn't ideal last year. It never was ideal. It will never be ideal. Perfection has never been a word I've been close to describing anything in my life. Well, besides my high school maths tests, and last year's chemistry exams, but that's totally irrelevant. Who cares about academics when there are always going to be underlying problems in your life?

It makes me wonder if everything is truly worth it.

This is only the first year away from my planned "fate". I honestly think that dentistry was probably better suited to me, simply because I don't think any of these mishappenings would have happened if I had stayed. Too late now. I don't know what to do anymore. As always, my present problems always take root in the past and relate to some unresolved issue I have. It makes me think whether I should target those underlying things, but then I always realise that there's nothing I can do about it because.. it's complicated. The resolution to a root problem always becomes another problem further down the track. It always affects other people, which is the worst part of it all. If I were the only victim of my problems, I wouldn't care. I wouldn't think twice before doing anything, but it's not the case.

It's a shame that I have to be pretty non-specific with my problems. Revealing personal stuff like this has never been my strong point, but so far it has protected me in more ways than not. So.. I'm pretty inclined for it to remain that way.

TL;DR: I feel like I've made the wrong friends. I feel like I've made the wrong career path. I'm helpless because I have no control over either factor.

Monday, November 19, 2012

You are an enduring fighter, with masked passions.

Your responses indicate that you have a normal desire to share yourself with others. However, this need is not being adequately fulfilled at present. As a result, you unconsciously attempt to treat this emptiness with momentary interests and temporary passions. If left unaddressed, this imbalance leads to impulsive behaviour and unnecessary risks.

Past betrayals have left you generally suspicious of others’ behavior, particularly regarding romantic relationships. You fear you may be exploited if you open yourself too fully. Consequently, you often seek some proof of a new friend’s or lover’s sincerity before you decide to trust them. Further complicating your relationships is the anxiety you have about your unfulfilled personal and professional goals. You fear that you’ve made decisions that weren’t in your own best interest, or failed to take advantage of opportunities when they presented themselves.

The desire to overcome these challenges sometimes lead you to seem pushy or even arrogant. Because this competitive urge is not always apparent to others, they are often surprised by it. However, the passion that underlies your desire for success is unique. This makes you unlike others. You cannot simply accept what life has to offer; you aspire for more.

Words cannot describe how accurate this is.

It's pretty scary.

I took the test 2 days ago and this was the first result that I got. I manipulated my answers a fair bit just because I wanted to get to the end of the test. It kept freezing on me - it didn't help that I was downloading both seasons of "Awkward" whilst taking the test. Bad move. More like bad timing actually, because downloading Awkward was the best thing I ever did.

Best show. Seriously.

In all honesty though, Awkward aside, I think subconscious psychological tests have some merit at least. I hope. Maybe. Just let me think it ok don't judge me.

It's been a while.

With all reservations aside, I admit that it's ironic that sometimes the worst things happen to those who help others the most. The one undeniable question lingers in the air - why? Is it to compensate for all the non-existent wrongdoings in the past? Is it to take the fall for others? Is it because there's an unspoken equilibrium that just happens to distribute itself among all people unselectively?

I don't know.

Holidays are here. Don't blame me for the unnecessary rants. I just need a medium or two to voice this out. I haven't written something with substance in what seems like forever, and now seems like a fitting time to release everything that I've been bottling in for the past two, three, or even perhaps four months. 

I need to set my priorities straight.

I've had no time to debrief myself and now I'm paying the price. I constantly feel depressed, but I know it's just because I haven't spent nearly enough time with myself, or more importantly, for myself. I really don't have an excuse, either. I spend almost all my time sitting at home doing nothing, and I guess it's the nothingness which is really getting to me. I just don't know what's gotten into me lately. Maybe I'm too scared to invest the time, knowing that its effects are just too great for me to handle on my own and I end up putting it off further.

I don't know.

All I know is that the wrath is actually finally starting to accumulate more than anything else I've ever felt before. Just to brief you all, this feeling is honestly really strange. It's not like any normal feeling. I doubt it's depression, but I don't want to rule it out completely just in case it really is. Doubtful though. It's definitely a lingering feeling and it's strong, but not strong enough.

Omnipresent but not omnipotent.

Best description I can give it. If I had to liken it to something along the lines of ordinary, I'd say it resembles a fog, or a mist. It's there, and you can see through it, but it affects you. After a while, you grow acclimatised to its presence and it fades away, but it always comes back. It always does.

Basically my life in a nutshell.